I sometimes ask myself…  When people get up in the morning, do they look in a mirror?  I mean, sure.  We ALL look in the mirror.  Even I take a quick glance.  Hair: Mussed/Toussled—Check.  Eyes: Free of gunk—Check. Mouth Area: Lack of Toothpaste residue—Check.  But there are people who clearly need to use a much bigger mirror.  A full length one.  For instance, some people should clearly be asking more important questions of the mirror, like: “Can you see through my skirt?” Lengthy Aside: I am a man, but some of you may be surprised to learn that I am actually a little saddened that the slip (or at the very least the half-slip) has become somewhat a thing of the past. It’s as if modesty is now as passé as Myspace.  Interestingly enough, there is an inverse relationship between the necessity for a slip and the likelihood that one will be employed.  Whispy, white translucent-thing?  Well, of course, the obvious choice is a simple black thong. Back to the important question: “Am I going to constantly be pulling up my pants?” “Can you see my thong through these pants?” “Do I look like a total douche from New Jersey?” “Do these white socks compliment my patent leather loafers?”

These are all important questions.  Questions which should be answered before leaving the house in the morning.  However, since this is a very difficult task to accomplish (I know… It’s EARLY!)  I will help by providing the answers myself.

So although all these things are awesome in their own way, you should not:

Wear sunglasses in the Airport Terminal.

Sit down in-between a conversation in-progress.

Tuck your shirt into your high-rise thong.

Board the plane when the plane is boarding rows 20-25, and you are seated in row 8 so you can be sure to claim a spot for your Luis Vuitton carry-on bag. Which is too big for the overhead compartment.

Wear sunglasses on the plane.

Get on the flight to Long Beach when you are flying to Burbank.  This is what the mirror’s answer would be to the question: “Should I be allowed out of the house by myself, without my helmet?”

Wear pajamas to the airport.

Wear pajamas and a trucker hat, ever.

Watch a DVD while you are on the Security Checkpoint line.

Occupy three rows of the plane during boarding so you can get all of your stuff ready for the flight.

Pack bags that are clearly too large for the overhead bin.

Wear anything made of something resembling crushed velvet.

Place a Luis Vuitton purse(s?) inside of (a?) Prada Handbag(s?).  Creating sort of an expensive bag Nesting-Doll scenario.  Actualy, I think there’s another purse inside of the Prada bag too… maybe the guy in Times Square accidentally gave her an extra.  Okay, update.  There is another Prada bag within the Luis Vuitton purse.  There may be another bag within that one.  For now, I can only guess… But I am sure that the tertiary bag would feel lonely without another equally unnecessary bag within its ample, emblazoned lining.

Shoes which appear to be made of cork.

Scurrying up the aisle to retrieve your entire carry-on bag.  With what I would describe as Hobbit feet.  Please, sir… at least wear socks.

I hope that all of us can learn an important lesson, here.  I would also like to note that if the lady with the purses shifts position one more time in the next thirty seconds I swear upon all that is precious in this world I am going to scream, “PLEASE.  We are not looking at your butt crack.  BUT, you must know by now that we all know what you are doing. You’re not fooling anyone.”  But that’s exactly what you think you are doing, isn’t it?  Fooling us.  Fooling us into thinking that you are more glamorous than you actually are. Fooling us with the excessive purses, and the eye makeup at 7am, and your carefully “curated” nonchalance.  Listen… I know where you get it from.  You get if from that weekly magazine you are reading.  All the stars do it.  It’s the track-suit look… the “suede”.  And, while I understand that you think it’s cool, let’s get something straight here.  Jennifer Aniston can go out looking like this.  Why?  Because we’ve seen her in a lot of movies and it is generally established that she is “attractive.”  She is a professional “attractive” person.  It’s what she does for a living.  So, I guess it’s fair that she should be granted a day off and allowed the luxury of a dumpy “suede” track suit.   You, on the other hand, miss in 20C (now she’s sleeping in the empty row, so it’s Miss in 20A-C), are going to have to try a bit harder.

That is all.